My karma unfolded quickly. In a recent post, I related memories of a past love that came up in a new relationship. Later, I wondered if such words had the potential to cause pain. I wrote about signals that our time together didn’t matter. One signal was his physical appearance the last night we were together. Upon reflection, the words seemed to convey disgust or disdain, although that’s not what I felt.
The likelihood that those words would ever reach that person is terribly low, but in the following post, I relate an incident with my mother that demonstrated just how deeply our thoughts can affect others, even the unspoken ones.
All day today, I felt intense waves of feeling about those words, but I imagined them overshadowed by tenderness, by the many pleasant memories, by warm feelings still breathing. In the evening, I drove to Jimmie’s house for dinner, and soon we became intimate. However, without knowing it, I had dressed in something that did not get fully clean in the wash. Behind my jeans was a horrible odor. Just when things were heating up, he suddenly stopped, completely turned off.
The pain of being an object of physical disgust was surprisingly enormous. I had no idea. Jimmie tried to embrace me, but I rolled over and curled up, embarrassed and hurting. I entered the hurt. This, I realized, was my karma. Did I not, in my heart, just subject someone else to this?
He tried to comfort me, apologized profusely, told me how beautiful I was, but none of it cut through the pain. I let the tears come. What if my words had created this same pain in the person I once loved? I was horrified.
Karma is a gift. I savored the pain, feeling a deepening of compassion, empathy, and understanding.
“I am so sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t know. I truly didn’t know.” In my thoughts, I told him how much I loved him. I remembered that nothing Jimmie said made things better. Now I could see both sides. Each is like thick wood that won’t burn, but compassion melts through them both.
Incidentally, the unpleasant interruption of intimacy was all Jimmie and I needed to reevaluate our intention to keep dating even though we both have plans to move away before too long. A break seemed wise. Our relationship came to an early end, but I feel a lot of love, and I know I can just keep on giving it. Until the cows come home.
Related post: Karma is Love
Just want to say… are you referring to your post about the guy eating chicken in his bed? If so, I have to tell you that, having read your blog for a while now, that was the best post you’ve ever put out there. It was very, very helpful to me. I thought the details about your ex-lover’s passive aggressive behavior were really useful. It helped me sort out my own situation. It was healing. I admired your courage and self respect to break up with him after all that. I’m sure you didn’t want to. It was inspiring. Reading that post helped me move forward in my own life. I’m sorry you removed it, but I guess you feel more comfortable that way. But contrary to “bad” karma on that one, I give you lots of karma points for helping out a stranger -myself- who needed to hear your words, all those exact words. Your honesty and courage; the descriptions were perfect. Thank you.
Dear Firefly, I just noticed your comment in my queue! Bummed that I somehow missed it. Thank you so much! Yes, I was referring to that post. I marked it as private, but given how it helped you, I’ve decided to make it public again. Thank you for your words, Firefly!
The post was Sculpting in the Sand, Loving the Unlasting.