You cannot ask the universe for something if you cannot conceive of it. In November of last year, I went to a dance club and bumped into a former romantic partner. The convergence was lovely, with hugs and warmth, tenderness, affection, and energy. I felt a tremendous pull. Being able to embrace him was very fulfilling, but I was reminded of the wrenching on and off pattern that characterized our relationship, if one can call it that.
That same night, I had a conversation with Joe (not his real name), the boyfriend of a woman from our mutual social circle. He described going from a long relationship that was painfully rocky to one that has been smooth, joyful, and full of love.
“With my last girlfriend,” he said, “it was up and down, up and down. This… is always up!” Passion and devotion. Imagine that. He touched my cheek, melting me with sincere compassion, gave me a big hug, and wished me well.
I looked at him and thought, “That’s what I want.”
A few days later, I met Andrew (also not his real name), a close friend of my Buddhist love, a gentle, warm married man with a love of wisdom and dreams. He described his devotion to working through problems with his wife. When he married her, she had a ten year old son. Up until that point, I had not yet met a man who had any interest in my boys. His devotion touched me. I showed him my book, Embracing the Beloved: Relationship as a Path to Awakening, and he was so inspired, I let him borrow it. He gave me a warm hug as he left. There was a light in his eyes, a familiarity, a kindness.
I looked at him and thought, “That’s what I want.”
Joe and Andrew were great blessings. Less than one month later, I met an acupuncturist who became my romantic partner. He is enormously loving, giving, warm, happy, and devoted. He makes me feel like frolicking. He is always there, always full of love, always thinking about me. I am never at the whim of changing desires or shifting approval. He cooks for me every other day, takes care of my children when I need help, and continually showers me with his healing. I am in awe.
We went to a dance club last night. He wore his angel wing shirt and periodically drew blessing symbols in the air over my body. He dances so well, I sometimes grow distracted and simply stand there and watch. I knew this would probably be our last dance together before I move away.
While we watched the empty dance floor from the balcony, I stumbled into an obscure bar in the back of the second floor, looking for a bathroom, and found Andrew. I hadn’t seen him since the night we met. He gave me a big, warm hug. He still had that light in his eyes. I introduced him to my boyfriend.
Then, we made our way to the dance floor and I bumped into Joe. He was exceedingly warm and friendly and offered me a hug. I introduced him to my boyfriend.
I felt as though I’d come full circle, a wonderful feeling for those last few weeks in a town. The two men who had given me a glimpse of love and devotion could now meet the fruits of the seed they planted.
Later, I put my arm around Joe and said, “I have to tell you something. I need to thank you.”
“Remember when you told me that you went from a rocky relationship to one that is smooth and happy and always up?”
“Yeah, at the High Noon!” he smiled.
“Yeah. Well, what you said really stuck with me. After that, I started asking the universe for that instead. And… I found it.” I gestured towards my boyfriend, my heart aglow. Joe gazed at him with interest, smiled, and said, “I’m so happy for you! You deserve it.” He gave me another warm hug and said a few words to my boyfriend.
As we danced, I noticed my former partner in the distance. I felt no pull, but my heart opened, and all night, I could not help but revel in this odd, unexpected, involuntary opening of love for him. There were no words. No explanations. No need for anything to happen. No need for anything to not happen. It simply was not about happening at all. It was not about any form of expression. It was entirely independent of circumstances. Circumstances are ephemeral and insignificant, like gossamer.
I just loved him.
I began to wonder why I did not feel apathy or some negative emotion, like resentment or grief. I searched my soul. There was only love.
Then, realizing cirumstances were powerless over it, realizing it would find no expression in that moment, I wondered what the love was really worth. Was it just a warm sentiment? A fuzzy emotion? I felt into it and discovered something potent and real. The love can be described like this: Taking this very moment just as it is, exactly as it is, without resistance or complaint or thoughts of the past or future, adding nothing, and meeting it with one and only one wish, that the other person be free of suffering, happy, and content. Having the intention to act on that wish in any way possible. Being poised without any idea of what might come. Nourishing this wish so that it is living and breathing, moving into the other person, being with them, opening to them, a total, unconditional offering of the self.
Something big happened. A blissful realization, not in my mind but in my body. The realization was very bare, very basic. I wish I could put it into words. The area below my sternum began to glow with energy, and I felt… I know… a recognition that everything in the moment was everything I wanted, and I did not need to strain to find the peace in it, and every moment is like that.
To experience every moment with nothing but love in your heart… that is heaven through and through. That is the feast of love. I felt so much gratitude to the universe for doing this to me, for turning me into this, I was teary and laughed as I danced to the music.
I am poised and always will be.
