One of the most potent forces that can close the heart is another’s apathy. We invoke apathy in response to apathy. When a loved one does not need you in return or tells you their heart is not open to you, it can be unbearable. Sustaining warmth for someone who is angry or hateful is difficult, but sustaining warmth for someone who does not care how you feel, who does not hold you in their thoughts, is close to impossible.
The instinct is to close, to meet indifference with indifference. When the move is apathy, you counter it with your own apathy. “You don’t need me? Well, I don’t need you either!”
The counter-move doesn’t work very well. In fact, it seems to have the opposite of the desired effect. Instead of freeing us from the relationship, it binds us to it in a frustrated craving for resolution. Letting go of this artificial apathy begins to look like surrender and defeat, but we cannot win either, because it appears there is no one on the other side of the battlefield.
A Meditation for Opening to Apathy
1. Become aware of the scene as it appears in your mind
Begin by becoming aware of how the situation has taken shape in your mental world. Visualize the person you believe feels apathy towards you. In your imagination, they may be standing at a distance and looking away, unaware of your presence, unperturbed by your frustrations, and smiling while you are crying.
You may have seen yourself moving towards them or trying to get their attention and make them aware of your inner experience, aware of your sadness, aware of your perspective and the richness of your world, which they know virtually nothing about and have no interest in learning. Regardless of what you do, they continue looking in another direction, oblivious. If they do notice you, they are irritated or bored. They might move further away.
2. Visualize yourself relaxing
In the scene, visualize yourself becoming still and relaxed. This will set the stage for the next step. Allow every muscle in your body to loosen and soften. You might imagine sitting in a cozy chair in the warmth of the sun, sipping a warm drink. You feel relaxed, content, and taken care of.
3. Hold the other gently in your awareness
The one you love may still be present in your awareness, but instead of clammoring for their attention, you are simply noticing their presence. You are simply witnessing them. Your awareness holds them gently the way a calm, still lake holds the reflection of the moon.
4. Offer unconditional opennness
Make a firm decision that having an open heart is more important than how you are received or how you are regarded. Being open is unconditional, and it costs you nothing.
Surrender not by giving up your defensive apathy but by offering your unconditional openness and continuous warm presence in the world.
Your openness is a garden. People may pass through quickly or slowly, with appreciation or preoccupation. Some may linger while others disappear. Some will sit beside the enchanting roses and embrace them. Some may even make their home there. The garden has no gates, no walls or borders. Everyone is free to enjoy the garden in a way that truly heals and uplifts them. Even if no one is in the garden, the flowers still open.
Continue to allow space between you and the other person. Let the space be warm and buoyant, full of light and beauty and lovely fragrances. Remember that you are the garden, the openness. You are not the other person. They are not an extension of you, an appendage to be maneuvered. In this visualization, focus on offering openness, not on the activities of the other person.
Even if you are misjudged, misunderstood, and rejected, it does not matter. Judgments are not about the real you. The real you is this openness. Those who attack your false self help you to find your real self. They are secret healers.
5. Affirm your mutual well being
With your heart open, say:
May there be no suffering within us or between us.
May divine wisdom and compassion fill us and the space between us.
May we both be happy and content.
Repeat those sentences until you experience a sense of comfort and release.
After the above meditation, it became more apparent how much of my pain response to apathy is about control and a sense of entitlement. One might feel entitled to a birthday party, for instance, and become frustrated and down when no one calls, taking it as a sign that no one cares. Even if they really do not care, they are free to not care, and one is free to disengage from the situation. The biggest frustration is when someone does not care, but we haven’t disengaged from the situation, because we equate engagement with caring. The meditation provides a way to disengage without closing your heart.
“Where are you going?
Who are you looking for?
Your beloved is right here.
Cease looking for flowers,
There blooms a garden in your own home.
While you go looking for trinkets,
Your treasure house awaits you in your own being.
There is no need for suffering,
God is here!”
~Rumi
