They only cause trouble! In my post on Secret Healers, I described the type of people who seem to make life harder yet actually bring us closer to bodhicitta. This short essay by Noel McNaughton offers a perfect illustration.
Difficult People
by Noel McNaughton
I believe that our task in life is to become as fully human as possible. That means not only learning self-confidence and self-acceptance, which can be major tasks themselves, but also learning patience and compassion for others. It is easy to be patient and compassionate with people who are easy to get along with. The hard ones to deal with are the negative, angry and irritating people in our lives. And it is these people who can teach us the most about patience and compassion, although the learning is not easy. Spiritual teachers know this, and sometimes create difficult circumstances for their students in order to help them learn.
There is a story about the spiritual community that G.I. Gurdjieff led in France. People paid to live in the community and learn from him. Among the community was a very difficult old man. He was irritable, messy, always fighting with other people, and unwilling to do his share of the work. Nobody liked him, and he did not like the group. After many months of struggling to stay with the group, the old man left for Paris. Gurdjieff went after him and tried to get him to come back, but the old man said no, it had been too hard. Finally, Gurdjieff offered to pay him a large monthly stipend if he returned. What could the old man do? He agreed to come back.
Well when the rest of the people heard that he was paying this miserable old cuss to stay in the community, when they themselves were being charged a handsome fee to stay there, they were up in arms. Gurdjieff called them together and said “Look, this man is like yeast for bread. Without him you would never really learn about anger, irritability, patience and compassion. That is why you pay me, and I hire him”. No doubt to begin with, the people in the community had reacted to the old man’s anger with their own anger and irritability. But eventually they would have to learn a better way, and this is what Gurdjieff was looking for. So how does one deal with difficult people? I suppose there are many ways, but one of the best I know of is to listen to them.
Anger is always a cover for some other feeling that lurks underneath, and my experience with most angry and negative people is that they are really feeling hurt and unloved, and that frightens them. Simply listening, with the true intent of understanding them, in other words listening from the heart, can be very healing for anyone in pain. When was the last time you felt truly listened to? Didn’t it feel good? It is surprising what a difference it can make when you respond to a person’s anger and bitterness with genuine interest and compassion, and listen patiently from your heart. Patience and compassion are two skills that take us further on the path of becoming fully human, and if we can’t learn it the easy way, the difficult people in our lives can help us out.
